Van Halen - "Panama" vs. Ratt - "Round and Round"

Speaking of Van Halen, have you ever noticed the similarity betweeen “Panama” and Ratt’s “Round and Round”? Both singles came out in 1984, but I’m not sure which was written and/or released first. I’d guess that “Panama” was written first, due to (a) Eddie Van Halen’s tendency to have tons of material lying around, often for years, and (b) the fact that 1984 was the first Van Halen album recorded at EVH’s 5150 studio, where he would have stored such material. Here are the tunes, as well as excerpts for comparison.

Van Halen – Panama
Ratt – Round and Round
Van Halen vs. Ratt – Panama vs. Round and Round

And now, a head-to-head battle.

Singer

Wikipedia describes Stephen Pearcy’s vocals as “raspy, bluesy, yet provocative.” I call them creepy. He sounds like a guy who’d cheat on your wife with your daughter. I suppose that was the point of hair metal, but even Vince Neil doesn’t give me the willies like Pearcy.

Winner: Van Halen

Guitars

Normally, Eddie would win easily, but his solo is too short. He does hit that beautiful, complex chord at 2:29. Ratt’s Robbin Crosby and Warren DeMartini turn in surprisingly robust Eurometal harmonies.

Winner: Tie

Rhythm Section

Man, Ratt’s rhythm section is stiff. The blocky, compressed production doesn’t help, either. Among the spandex and hairspray set, David Lee Roth-era Van Halen had unmatched groove.

Winner: Van Halen

Lyrics

“Round and Round” makes absolutely no sense. What the hell does “Tightened our belts, abuse ourselves / Get in our way, we’ll put you on your shelf” mean??? David Lee Roth, on the other hand, is singing a sweet, double entendre-laced, ode to his car.

Winner: Van Halen

Record cover

Tawny Kitaen vs. “What the hell is Eddie wearing.” (He’s in the polka dots.) This one’s not even close.

Winner: Ratt

Video

The videos for both are absolute must-sees. But “Panama” is merely ridiculous in an era of ridiculous videos (Bon Jovi also flew around over their stage in “Livin’ on a Prayer”), while “Round and Round”‘s wackiness literally goes through the ceiling. We’re talking Crispin Glover territory here – especially with the rats.

Wikipedia has a great synopsis. An excerpt: “Meanwhile, a seemingly shy yet incredibly attractive female family member is drawn by the music and makes her way up to the attic. Once there, she morphs into a sexy space oddity and begins dancing to the song. Possibly the most puzzling portion of the video has the girl change appearance yet again, this time to the form of a rodent.”

Winner: Ratt

Overall winner: Van Halen

PS. For research purposes, sometimes I pick up records I normally wouldn’t buy. Today I was seen buying Van Halen’s 1984 and Ratt’s Out of the Cellar – by far my most embarrassing record store trip in years. The girl who rang me up must have thought, “Someone’s stuck in their childhood. And tried to cover it up by putting a Disfear CD on top.” At record stores, the only purchases that raise more eyebrows than metal is hair metal.

PPS. I will return to covering real metal soon, I promise.