The rules of metal t-shirt wearing

Deth by tight jeans Text by Cosmo Lee

Rule 1: If one goes to see a band play, one cannot wear its shirt to the show.
Rule 2: A band cannot wear its own t-shirts.

Why do these rules exist?

Combined, these rules mean that no one at a show can wear shirts of the band that’s playing. Which is absurd. Two clichés come to mind: “the elephant in the room” and “reading Playboy for the articles.”

I don’t buy the oh-so-cool end run around this rule: wearing the shirt of an associated band. Do you think that when a band drives hundreds of miles to your town and looks out into the crowd, it’s glad to see t-shirts of its side projects?

Of course not! It wants to see actual support. (Downloading a leaked album and singing along to unreleased songs does not count!)

And cut the band some slack if it wears its own t-shirts. Yes, that reeks of poverty and desperation. But what is touring if not poverty and desperation? A band is sleeping on floors, showering every nth day, and schlepping pounds/kilos of shirts from town to town in the hopes that fools who sing along to its unreleased songs will take monetary pity on it (despite the fact that its shirts are ugly as hell).

If I were in a touring band, I would dip into ye olde merch box to clothe myself. In fact, it would be only be right. When the UPS guy rings my doorbell, I don’t expect him to wear a Fed Ex or DHL uniform, even if that “supports the scene” of overnight shipping. UPS guy wears UPS merch because he’s a UPS guy. 1+1=2.

Not for you

This reminds me of athletic jerseys. The standard is exactly the opposite of that for metal t-shirts. Why is it OK for overweight civilian shlubs to wear jerseys of elite professional athletes? Who aren’t even of the same race? I have no business being in the jersey of star linebacker Terrell Suggs. Neither do you nor your dad nor your grandmother, no matter how big (of a Ravens fan) she is. The only person who belongs in Terrell Suggs’ jersey is Terrell Suggs.

Would anyone tell Dave Mustaine above that he can’t wear the shirt of his own band? Big names break the “own band shirt” rule all the time. Dave Lombardo wore a Slayer shirt on the back cover of Reign in Blood. Members of Iron Maiden still wear Iron Maiden shirts live (and they are neither poor nor desperate). Jason Newsted wore Metallica shirts all the time around …And Justice for All. That makes perfect sense. Pushead was on fire then. If I had unlimited access to Pushead designs, I’d put it to good use, too.

So these “too cool for school” rules have got to go. If I go see a band play, I will wear its shirt. However, I reserve the right to wear a shirt from its early days — when, of course, it was better.