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Pure Testosterone #9: Convict Conditioning

Cape Fear: Max’s release
When I dip, you dip, we dip

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One of the best scenes in the remake of Cape Fear is the opener. Max Cady, hardened from years of prison and planning revenge against a crooked defense attorney, performs dips in his cell. His frame is chiseled, his gaze homicidal. Yes, it’s Hollywood, but you couldn’t add CGI in 1991. Robert DeNiro was almost 50 when he played the role.

Fitness for survival’s sake has long been a part of prison life – try to name a prison film without a weight room scene. Author and former inmate Paul Wade (likely a pen name) has distilled his fitness wisdom into a fascinating book called Convict Conditioning. The premise is simple: you carry everything needed to get in the best shape of your life. The missing ingredient is ingenuity and determination. I’d trust his advice; he lived in a Darwinian world where you weren’t trying to look good in a tank top but stay alive.

Convict Conditioning is the best fitness book I’ve read. It’s not a glorified exercise chart but a primer on mastering your mind through your body. The writing is tight and the exercises well-presented. Wade has fused Zen with training and gallows humor. He has little use for fitness fads and supplement companies pumping out vitamins and get-strong-quick formulas. He views them as the problem, not the solution.

“The kind of bloated poser you see strutting the average gym floor is viewed by the media and the modern public as the epitome of strength and fitness”, Wade writes in condemning the modern gym. I don’t agree entirely; weight training has its place when accompanied with other exercise. But he also has a point. What use is a thigh abductor when you can bust out burpees or squats? Those exercises work your legs better and charge your metabolism. They’re also much more challenging.

Wade has broken his program down to six core exercises. I found some of these extremely challenging if not impossible and modified them accordingly. (See his Herculean criteria below for achieving true fitness.) One-armed pull-ups aren’t in my arsenal and probably never will be.

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Doing what Wade suggests will take time and determination. If you are inclined, you can pick up the book and start the journey. It took Wade two decades in prison to master this. In the meantime, here’s an entry-level version of convict conditioning. The workout should take roughly 25 to 30 minutes. Take 30-45 seconds between each set and a minute between each exercise.

One-arm raised pushups (progressing to one-arm pushups): 5 sets to failure
One-leg squats (starting with bodyweight squats if necessary): 5 sets to failure
Pullups (or assisted pullups): 5 sets to failure
Leg raises: 3 sets to failure
Full bridges: 3 sets 8-10 repetitions

I didn’t include the handstand pushups. Those will take me a few years to master, if ever.

— Justin M. Norton

BUY CONVICT CONDITIONING

Amazon (book)
Amazon (Kindle)
Dragon Door (book)

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