We live in a scary world. Seemingly benign Midwesterners are joining the global jihad. People know who the Octomom is, but can't find Iraq on a map. American Idol's popularity continues unabated. People actually pay to see The Devil Wears Prada.

It makes you long for the halcyon days of high school where the one thing you learned was that "Abel Magwitch" (Pip's hidden benefactor in Great Expectations) would be a great metal band name. We still have the scars of a besotted youth misspent drinking Southern Comfort out of stadium cups. Perhaps it's why we spend the bulk of our time listening to music that our parents hoped we'd outgrow.

So we've decided to populate our own high school with some of the better known denizens of the metal world.

. . .

. . .

Principal: George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher (Cannibal Corpse)
A principal's role is simple: intimidation. A perfect job candidate is usually tall and stoic. George fits the bill, especially because he can lift half the student body on his neck. And if you've seen his smackdown of a concert goer tossing pennies at him, you'll know he takes no shit.

Security: Chuck Billy (Testament)
Requirements virtually the same as above.

The Valedictorian: Mikael Åkerfeldt (Opeth)
The guy that everyone claims to admire but secretly hates. All the girls love him; he is insanely talented, and his hair is perfect. He has a full scholarship to the Berklee College of Music, too.

The Wrestling Coach: Greg Puciato (The Dillinger Escape Plan)
Short of stature but a powerful presence. Forces kids to spit in cups repeatedly to shed pounds or don chicken suits to make weight for a meet.

Creative Writing: J.R. Hayes (Pig Destroyer)
Allegedly working on the Great American Novel. He's also written a lot of troubling poetry and lyrics.

Drama Teacher: Abbath (Immortal)
Loves costumes, face paint, and stage props. Predilection for talking about foreign lands that don't exist.

Chair of Foreign Language: Liv Kristine (Leaves Eyes)
Speaks five languages very well but hampered by archaic fashion decisions.

Latin: The members of Deathspell Omega
Substitute teaching post; names not revealed.

. . .

. . .

History, World: Karl Simon (The Gates of Slumber)
Owns props of ancient weapons and chain mail armor. Reads up on ancient culture to see if it influenced Robert E. Howard when he wrote the Conan tales.

History, American: Jon Schaffer (Iced Earth)
Spends off-hours watching Civil War documentaries and participating in reenactments. Also likely a stamp collector.

Art: Jacob Bannon (Converge)
The only teacher allowed to sport almost full body tattoos because of his artistic bent.

Track: Barney Greenway (Napalm Death)
A middle-aged man who can still dust the kids.

Guidance Counselor: Ozzy
He's seen it all and done it all and is there to tell you not to do the same.

. . .

. . .

Shop Class: Gaahl (ex-Gorgoroth)
Creeps students out by staring at them. Boasts a large, unkempt beard that hides woodshavings. Excels at woodworking (crucifixes).

Biology: Burton C. Bell (Fear Factory)
Owns all three seasons of the original Star Trek on DVD and has memorized The Terminator. Leaves students scared shitless of climate change and looming threat of artificial intelligence.

Band Teacher: Ihsahn
Thinks a saxophone sounds good no matter when you play it. Excellent facial hair.

Head of the PTA: Cronos (Venom)
Balding. Did a few things decades ago that were great but now just bugs staff and students with tales of past glories. Should instead be enjoying retirement.

The Troubled Expelled Kid: Varg Vikernes (Burzum)
Possibly tossed a squirrel at a moving vehicle his freshman year and burned down a locker. But no one has ever seen or met him.

— Justin M. Norton