Experiments in Extreme Metal Marketing
Recently, Marshall Amplifiers released a new line of headphones called Pitch Black, which advertise themselves as a “dark horse” and boast a black denim strap, supposedly “inspired by the uniform of choice for those who make the road their calling”. The ads for these headphones display models in black leather and corpse paint, clearly aimed at fans of extreme metal. This is an example of a surprising recent trend: the commercialization of, and the aiming of lifestyle products to, extreme metal fans, a social subgenre earlier believed to spend their money on little other than concert shirts and alcohol.
Never missing a chance to fill our coffers, the crack marketing team at Invisible Oranges sat down with some loose-leaf paper and Sharpies and whipped up some ideas for further products to fulfill the lifestyle of the average extreme metal fan. Here were the results:
Chocolate Frosted UNGHs!: Hail breakfast, darkest meal of the day! Before you are shat out into the oppressive abyss of everyday life, enjoy a heaping bowl of Chocolate-Frosted UNGHs! Served in a cold lake of milk, this mass grave of chocolatey circles of tyrants will rethrone the emperor within you in no time. And let’s not forget the marshmallows — black abysses, green serpents, red jeweled thrones, and silver tears in a prophet’s dream! Mmm-mm! And don’t forget, every box contains not one, but two, that’s right two Mega Therions! Face the day with a necromantical scream — deny life and get addicted to Chocolate Frosted UNGHs!
Sony Record Slayer: Vinyl: old, grainy, black, true. Only those who know the dark tidings of pressed wax can truly be called warriors of Night’s Legion. But what of the devices these shards of Satan’s armor spin on? Wood paneling? Transparent plastic? That’s for posers and oldsters. To appease your Transilvanian hunger, Sony presents the Record Slayer, a turntable so black it actually swallows the light around it. Volume knob? Get fucked, false shitbag. It’s always deafeningly loud, with only two sound settings: Entirely Bassless, or Enough Bass To Emulate A Pillow Over The Vinyl. Instead of a glittering diamond needle, we use the sharpened fang of a she-wolf killed during labor. Get your hands on the Record Slayer at select retailers, and know the deepest regions of your dark heart. Some assembly required.
Air Tormentors: From Reebok, challengers of gravity, come Air Tormentors, the ultimate shoes for those who have chosen the thrasher’s life above all others. These comfortable foot guards contain our new Corpse Pile cushioning matrix, a multi-tiered insole with a yielding power similar to a massive pile of human bodies. Then, there’s the pump-action Asphyxiation system: press the Sigil of Baphomet on the shoe’s tongue to inflate bladders within the shoe that strangle your foot like a killer in a back-alley. The chrome spikes lining the heel, toe, and sides of the shoe add the grim flair you crave in your most desperate moments. Comes in Crossover White and Blackened Black. Are you afraid of the night?
Gillette Shave Miasma: When running a razor against your slowly-mortifying flesh, you don’t want to miss a single hair — follicular genocide is the only way. That’s why Gillette is proud to present Shave Miasma, the first blood-infused shaving cream guaranteed to give death metal fanatics a soul-deep swipe with the razor. Shave Miasma is the creepy uncle of the Gillette family, who likes to dig up bodies, shave their heads, and use the hair-filled soap scum to lubricate his member as he commits egregious acts of onanism over the headstones of famous dead feminists. Go online to order your bottle of this revolutionary lifestyle product today. Cream bloody gore!
Necroactive Corpsepaint Face Cream: Nothing ruins a career in unholy satanic cacophony like — you guessed it! — unsightly blemishes. But now, grim warriors everywhere can obtain silky-smooth skin without compromising their imposing visages. From Proactive comes Necroactive, a corpsepaint that actually cleans and enhances skin when worn. The base layer of Cadaver White face cream is activated by human sweat, allowing it to moisturize skin and decimate dirt and bacteria within the pores. Meanwhile, the Shroud Black anti-wrinkle ointment helps smooth out age lines around the mouth and eyes, bringing a luster of long-forgotten youth to your old soul. Necroactive promises the countenance of a demonic revenant when worn, and the skin of a fallen angel when washed away. Raise the suicide chalice and get Necroactive today! (Warning: Necroactive in no way promises to make one’s band more ‘grim’ or ‘brutal’. Consult your lead guitarist and lyrics book before choosing Necroactive).
Slampons: Ladies, get ready to go bugshit apefuck, because coming straight out of the pit to head-walk all over your menstrual cycle comes Slampons, the ultimate in feminine hygiene products from Tampax. As you see by the way it gulps down this blue-colored liquid, these motherfuckers are thirteen times more absorbent than the leading tampon brand, and our new patented Muscleflex technology promises the ultimate in personal comfort, whether you’re two-stepping through the pit or pounding tall boys in the parking lot with your bandana-covered girlfriends. And forget pushing and strings! Slampons come with an applicator shaped like a SIG Sauer 9MM, and have a chain with two padlocks at the end attached to them for easy removal and subsequent use of your tampon as a weapon (fuck yeah). No matter the time and place, Slampons are the brawniest feminine product for the most brutal of women. Get slammed.
Lindberg by Calvin Klein: A beautiful woman in a black leather jacket walks down the streets of Stockholm, carrying a vinyl copy of Seven Churches under her arm. A scruffy man at a nearby café watches her over the tops of his sunglasses. Later, she sits on her roof cleaning her shotgun, unaware that a few rooftops behind her, the man observes her as he dreads a young sad-looking boy’s hair. Later that night, they see each other across a crowded concert hall, the audience raging to the opening chords of “Slaughter of the Soul”. The crowd parts, and they move to each other as though gliding, meeting in the center of the mosh pit just in time for him to look her in the eyes and say, “GO”. Cut to a small bottle shaped like the severed head of Christ. Female VO: “Lindberg. The new fragrance by Calvin Klein.”
Meshuggah-Brand Kolosstomy Bags: Elderly and incontinent headbangers, are your bowels getting all mixed up by confusing polyrhythms? Are you unable to control your “soul burn”? Not to worry — your time is now. From Sweden’s premier progressive/technical death metal band comes the Kolosstomy Bag, the incontinence aid that will destroy, erase, and improve your intestinal troubles. Our patented ChaoSphere® filter technology allows you to clip this plastic feces storage unit almost any place on your person without any unsightly tubes and plastic ties. Try a Kolosstomy Bag today, and you’ll feel like a new millennium cyanide Christ in no time!
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