Consuming Impulse: Sleep, Eyehategod burgers

Sleep burger Photos and text by Carmelo Española

Let’s face it: Thanksgiving is a very un-metal holiday. There is nothing hesher-friendly about gathering at the table with relatives you can’t stand just to fight over that wishbone. Thankfully, the lovely folks at Kuma’s Corner made up their own turkey treat in the Sleep burger, which was November’s burger of the month.

Sleep – Holy Mountain

The Sleep burger was a towering holy mountain of tryptophan worship. The toppings were positioned in an altar-like fashion. One wanted to chant “Jerusalem” in its entirety in preparation of eating this monolith. The turkey burger served as a juicy, meaty chalice to the moist, flavorful cornbread stuffing. The cranberry sauce might as well have replaced the blood of Christ. These ingredients were covered in a druidic blanket of savory hot gravy.

Eating the burger was a religious experience. One wouldn’t have needed some grass to get its slumbering effect.

Eyehategod burger

Winter is the best time for listening to doom and sludge. It’s fucking cold and dark outside, there’s little money to go by, and that bottle of whiskey provides a pathway out of your miserable life. However, Kuma’s December burger of the month is sweeter than a sister fucker. Eyehategod are favorites amongst the regulars of this hallowed hall of metal burgers. A burger named after them is long overdue. Thankfully, no lives were ruined when Kuma’s finally unveiled this tribute to the influential New Orleans sludge lords.

Eyehategod – Ruptured Heart Theory

The bleu cheese stuffed dates were little explosives packed with sweet and tender insides surrounded by smoky shells of bacon. A savory pecan crumble was evenly spread out like the finest hashish over the 10 oz. beef patty, adding a seductively subtle crunch. The Düsseldorf mustard provided a spicy bite not too far away from Mike Williams’ caustic poetry. All these ingredients came together to form one righteously massive slab of Southern-style heaviness.

This burger is guaranteed to get you addicted. A word of caution, though: constant consumption will result in a ruptured heart.