by Cosmo Lee

Today is National Pie Day. I will celebrate by having my beloved Southern pecan pie at Little Pie Company. If you are in Houston, go to House of Pies (aka House of Guys due to its popularity with local gays). Not only does it have wonderful pies, it is open 24 hours. If you want Bavarian chocolate banana pie at four in the morning, House of Pies is your place.

Warrant - Cherry Pie
Anvil - Hair Pie
Led Zeppelin - Custard Pie

There are few metal songs about pie. I can identify only three - and two aren't really metal. The first is the title track from Warrant's Cherry Pie. (I once bought Warrant's previous CD, Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich, from a used record store. Despite the fact it was autographed by every member, it had a bargain bin price, like $6 or something. (See this Metal Inquisition post about autographs devaluing objects.) I eventually realized that my apparent windfall was just that, and I sold it.) There is not much serious I can say about this song, other than C.C. DeVille, the world's worst lead guitarist, plays the solo. He plays the same solo he plays in every song. I wish I, too, could be paid to be incompetent and repetitive.

The second is Anvil's "Hair Pie," from 1997's Absolutely No Alternative. It is one of metal's more straightforward records, with songs such as "Show Me Your Tits," "Rubber Neck" (about gawking at car accidents), and "Piss Test" (about random drug testing). You can probably guess what other Anvil anthems such as "Pro Wrestling," "Safe Sex," and "I Want You Both (With Me)" are about. It's a little hard to understand singer Steve "Lips" Kudlow, but this is probably all you need to know about "Hair Pie": "It's got the flavor that can't be beat / It's a man's treat / Knee high in hair pie / Knee high in hair pie." (See complete lyrics here.)

Finally, there's Led Zeppelin's "Custard Pie." Robert Plant is fairly indecipherable, but you can see his lyrics here, as well as a fascinating analysis about how much he stole appropriated from blues precedents. Like the best songs about pie, this one doesn't actually talk about pie (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). But let's keep it clean on National Pie Day, people. Sometimes a pie is a pie and crust is not a musical genre. Bon appétit.