In Re: EOTY List

…

Joseph,

Thank you for your notes. Given the quality of the piece of writing I sent to you, I’m truly amazed you would dare to respond with these. For your courage, I applaud you.

However, there are some corrections I’d like to make to your critique of my End Of Year list. To begin:

As a matter of fact, my Album of the Year very much can and will be “W.A.S.P.’s ‘Animal (Fuck Like A Beast) 45 single slowed down to 33.” You seem to regard this submission as a joke on my part, and in that you are sorely mistaken. I’m quite aware that 2014 will make this record my Album of the Year three years running, and let me warn you now that 2015 will make it four. What you are proving to me is that you have yet to listen to the Animal (Fuck Like A Beast) 45 single slowed down to 33, despite my repeated urges. And I obviously can’t be held responsible for your deficiencies.

My list does include 10 albums, the number you asked for. The tasting albums, which you no doubt have mistaken for entries, do not count as Albums of the Year. I explained this in an earlier e-mail. Each one is simply a decent album that, should you enjoy a release on my list, would most likely also engage your sensibilities. These albums have been matched perfectly to provide the ultimate listening experience of 2014. For example, if a reader enjoys Bastard Sapling’s Instinct Is Forever due to my recommendation, I want to make sure they know that Nightbringer’s Ego Dominus Tuus is also, to a somewhat less experimental extent, something they should look into. We want a savvy readership, Joseph, not a bunch of poorly-informed assholes who have a malnourished understanding of the scene and end up looking like poser shitbags while trying to discuss the music we love at a Sanhett show. My compassion for our fanbase must not be hampered by your narrow views on End Of Year list numbers.

I am only fair, so I will concede that yes, including the lyrics to Goatwhore’s 2014 masterpiece “F.B.S.” was self-indulgent, though I deem your note that ‘this year’s Constricting Rage of the Merciless isn’t even on my list’ irrelevant (it would easily make my top 15, but we’ve all seen how pissy you get about End Of Year list numbers). What you must understand is that in my opinion everyone who reads our blog should know, at least once, the beauty that is the lyrics to “F.B.S.”. They are some of the few metal lyrics that capture the true essence of the art form, and it can only improve a reader’s taste to listen this song while following along to the lyrics, so that when Ben Falgoust bellows “These rabid wolves are biting flesh/Under the eclipsing moon!”, they grasp true Satanic might in all of its glory. It is my job to show them the way, Joseph.

Page two, paragraph two, second sentence. ‘One is not enamored with something, one is enamored of something.’ Grow the fuck up.

Finally, you insult me. I’m not some greenhorn who’s spent his whole life sipping hoppy IPAs at Spuyten Duyvil, Joseph. I have traveled far and wide across this planet, and I have learned under the tutelage of guru and loser alike. So I would know the sound of a wig in a garbage disposal, and yes, there are aspects of the new Necrodeath record that resemble that noise. The only issue this criticism seems to address is that I go to better parties than you do.

My immediate urge is to demand my piece be posted tomorrow as is, but I’m aware it’s the holidays, a time of generosity and charity. So as a gift to you, I’ll lose either the Goatwhore lyrics or the wig comparison. The first two complaints are simply impossible for me to attempt without the whole article falling apart like Fred Pessaro’s battered sanity.

Let me know which one you decide to remove before you post.

In his shadow we are one,