Voodoocult – Jesus Killing Machine
Rarely will I post about an album I don’t recommend. However, Jesus Killing Machine has enough historical value to deserve a mention, if not a warning to stay away. The sticker on the front says, “featuring Dave Lombardo (ex-Slayer), Gabby Abularach (ex-Cro-Mags), Phillip Boa, Waldemar Sorychta (Despair, Tiamat), Dave “Taif” Ball (ex-Killing Joke) + special guest Chuck Schuldiner (Death) + secret special guest” – which turned out to be Mille Petrozza of Kreator.
Whoa! Dave Lombardo, Chuck Schuldiner, and Mille Petrozza on the same album! Why hadn’t I heard of this before???
Because it sucks, that’s why. It’s almost inconceivable that members of Slayer, Death, and Kreator could get together to make something this bad. You’d have to pay them to do so – and my guess is that’s what happened. The culprit would be Phillip Boa, a German pop singer whose main band is called Voodooclub. Evidently he decided to play “Metal Fantasy Camp” and throw money around for some metal big shots. He had good taste in session musicians, I’ll give him that.
|The worst 6 euro I’ve ever spent.|
The best explanation for why this album sucks so badly is that Boa wrote the music and simply got his long-haired friends to play it. But Ball is also to blame for a few “songs,” and Lombardo and Petrozza each penned a clunker. Thankfully, my man Schuldiner only soiled his hands with a few solos; that’s what you’ll hear below, the two tracks on which he plays.
Born Bad and Sliced!
The album straddles a horrible line between 3rd-tier thrash and hard rock. The riffs are DOA, the singing is out-of-tune, and the lyrics are beyond ludicrous:
And my mother was not sad
When she said
Violent baby, ruthless pig
Eternal beyondster hipster, I am
Breed of the bad
All my bringing up
And growing tall
Was verging on the ridiculous
In a setting close to nought
This one’s born bad!
Bad! Born bad and sliced!
Sadly, Lombardo wrote the music to this one. Schuldiner and Sorychta trade off four-bar solos around 3:05; Schuldiner has the first and third solos (in the right channel). I have never been more impatient for a song to get to the solos. Schuldiner’s cameo (around 2:15) on the Anthrax ripoff title track is similarly brief; he has the first solo, while Sorychta has the second. That’s all you ever need to hear from this piece of crap. If you see some dude on eBay trying to shill this as “Voodoocult CD Slayer Death Kreator RARE” – that’s probably me.
You can also try your luck