The recent BP oil spill has stoked the inner environmentalist within metal’s followers. Phil Anselmo’s recent interview gives a brutally honest picture of how the region is hurting. Some high-profile metal celebrities recently joined in the BP boycott as well. The Nuclear Assault video for “Critical Mass” immediately comes to mind. “Another oil spill!” sounds so chillingly real.

Kuma’s Corner makes light of this situation with the Environmental Disaster burger in the same month that BP announced they stopped the leak. The Environmental Disaster burger is a 10 oz. beef patty swimming in alligator sausage, crawfish, and okra-accented gumbo, like a huge tar ball in the bayou. The burger was juicy and its slight saltiness helped balance out the gumbo’s bite. The gumbo filled up a bowl lined with a good helping of white rice. The alligator sausage was not as gamey as I expected. It was actually comparable to the gourmet sausages at nearby Hot Doug’s. I had to skip the crawfish because of my shellfish allergies. The okra lost its crunch after being submerged in the gumbo, but did not lose its flavor. A layer of fresh scallions provided crisp relief from the submerged ingredients. The burger did not come with fries, which would have been a welcome addition to soak in the gumbo. A light beer, preferably a Belgian White like Allagash, would ease out the heat and any possibilities of heartburn. I suggest eating this burger at night, when temperatures have dropped. Just like the Gulf Coast’s oppressive humidity, it makes you sweat buckets. Hydration during consumption is encouraged.

This was probably one of the most claustrophobic yet addictive burgers I’ve had, to the point it makes me angry just to think of the oil spill. Hopefully every restaurant in America puts Hayward and Co. on their blacklist.

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Carm occasionally sacrifices his arteries for the sake of this column.

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Grindcore never runs out of subject matter for its vitriolic rage. Clueless neo-conservative teabaggers screaming at god-knows-what, BP continuing to spew oily death-cum onto the Gulf of Mexico, and the rise of pseudo-patriotic racism in Arizona are mere pictures of how fucked up the country is. During their short-lived existence, Insect Warfare from Houston, TX tackled similar topics with grinding madness that ripped like a hurricane through the eardrums. I was fortunate to witness their last official show at Dude Fest in the summer of 2008. (Ed. note: They actually reformed for a short tour in 2009.) No talk, no bullshit – everything was 100% grindcore to the bitter end.

Originally introduced as a burger of the month in 2008 and now a part of the recently revamped menu, the Insect Warfare burger from Kuma’s Corner is far from bitter. An intriguingly colorful flotilla of Southwestern ingredients pays tribute to the band’s Texas roots. Panko-crusted goat cheese covers a bacon-roasted corn and green chili medallion like a volcano about to unleash hot lava. There is a noticeable interplay between the crunchiness of the outside and the gooeyness of the inside. Paprika crème fraiche covers the burger like a gentle stream of milky goodness. It has a zing that’s comparable to sour cream. The topping of roasted corn, cilantro, and green chili salsa reminds me of the roasted corn in a cup that you can buy from elote carts in Chicago. This aesthetic is further enhanced by a generous sprinkling of paprika over the corn and salsa. The beef patty takes a supporting role for this burger. It’s the special components that truly stand out in the palate.

This massive slab of grindcore-inspired meatiness can result in oxygen corrosion within the arteries. You have been warned.

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Carm occasionally sacrifices his arteries for the sake of this column.

Shrinebuilder are not only elder statesmen of doom metal, but also four spirits who only converge during changes of seasons. They gather during the spring equinox under the cover of moonlight in a secluded farm. During the summer, they manifest human forms in order to cultivate the land. During the fall equinox, before they return to the spirit world, they harvest their bounty and distribute it to their followers. The result? The Shrinebuilder burger, the April burger of the month from Kuma’s Corner.

The burger was crafted with beautiful simplicity. The 10 oz. patty was alive with flavor; the cow it came from must have been serenaded by Wino’s riffs. The Emmental cheese had a soft, smooth texture. Its calming warmth must have been pasteurized by Scott Kelly’s slow burn. The wild mushrooms were fresh and bouncy, and the stone ground mustard that complemented them was robust. They must have come from Dale Crover’s earth-shaking and the rain from Al Cisneros’ thunder. This burger was a heavy and minimalist experience. Heavy ales like Arrogant Bastard complemented it well. Maximum burger + maximum beer = maximum results.

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As the Roadburn festival in the Netherlands approaches, it would be imperative to try this burger before experiencing Shrinebuilder. It is only once in a blue moon that these kindred spirits gather and create something magical. Like this burger, once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

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Carm occasionally sacrifices his arteries for the sake of this column.

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Who loves Sepultura?

OK, who loves old Sepultura?

Every one of you.

And who loves cupcakes?

Well, some of you.

I didn’t know those included me until I tried Metalcakes’ recipe for Sepultura cupcakes. Metalcakes is the Internet’s foremost metal-themed cupcake site. The recipe is cunningly called “Beneath the Cookies and Cremains”. Every time I think of that, my day brightens a little.

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As the recipe’s title implies, the Oreo cookie is the star of this cupcake. Crumbled, it forms part of the frosting. Halved, it forms the bottom of each cupcake. Brilliant! Normally, eating a cupcake is an endeavor of diminishing returns. But this cupcake offers a happy, crunchy surprise at its end. It’s not hard to make, either. For the recipe and super-pretty pictures, see here.

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There is a scene in the bromance film I Love You Man where characters portrayed by Jason Segel and Paul Rudd bond over their love of Rush. The scene where they go see Rush and rock out in a very dorky, non-metal way was cringe-inducing. This was the same feeling I got from the Rush burger at Kuma’s Corner.

I’m not really a fan of Rush (or prog rock, for that matter), so I’m going to focus on the burger. It was comprised of a 10 oz. beef patty and white toast smothered in creamed chipped beef with green peas. The toast was well, toasty, and it succumbed to getting soggy from the cream. This could’ve been better if the usually more reliable pretzel buns were used instead. This was the second time that I’ve had a Kuma’s burger served with toast, the first being the infamous Rod Blagojevich burger, the special for January 2009. The creamed chipped beef didn’t go well with the burger, smothering it in creamy, cheesy awkwardness. The chipped beef was bland, and the green peas were unnecessary. In military lingo, chipped beef is referred to as “shit on a shingle”.

The motivation behind the burger is so far unknown. Maybe as the month goes by, more details will pop up. Kuma’s usually comes up with top-notch monthly specials, but this one was quite a downer. As an optimist, though, I am definitely hoping that next month’s burger will be more metal and less prog.

(Ed. note: In honor of this burger, here is Rush’s worst song.)

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Carm occasionally sacrifices his arteries for the sake of this column.

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Metal Blade has launched a new website, Metal Blade TV, devoted to videos from the label.  This is curious, since Metal Blade already has a YouTube channel, where much, if not all, of this content will appear anyway.  Besides, do people actually spend time at label websites?  Roadrunner must think so, as its site is tricked out with loads of videos.  Victory also has a video site forthcoming.  It would seem that YouTube, as the grand aggregator of videos, would trump all of the above.

The leadoff feature of Metal Blade TV is a brief segment in the kitchen with Armored Saint’s John Bush and Joey Vera.  Bush does the “can I do anything to help” thing, while Vera does the cooking, admits his foodiness, and shows off his cookbook collection.  It’s all quite charming.  I know I just wrote a hand-wringing post about demystifying Metal Overlords.  But Armored Saint aren’t Metal Overlords to me so much as respected elders, so I don’t mind seeing them as humans.

Besides, the vibe fits.  Armored Saint’s new album La Raza, which comes out next Tuesday, is surprisingly sunny.  It’s a “driving with the top down” (don’t say my car’s topless, say the titties is out) kind of record.  In fact, it’s not really metal so much as hard rock with a stoner vibe at times.  (Adrien Begrand has a good review here.)  This Armored Saint is far from the classic ’80s incarnation, but it’s turned out to be a lively beast.

For 20 years, Sigh have been pushing musical boundaries by combining black metal, krautrock, jazz, and classical arrangements into their ever expanding and always mutating sonic palette. The new burger of the month from Kuma’s Corner pays tribute to these Japanese blackadelics in a form of a burger that is an accurate representation of their avant-garde inclinations.

The Sigh burger incorporates an exotic Asian flavor that melds flawlessly with its American muscle. There is a mound of ground pork seasoned with red pepper flakes, ginger, and soy sauce on top of the 10 oz. beef patty, complemented with fried wonton strips and fresh scallions. Because of this arrangement, dim sum comes into mind. The flavors stay in your palate well after you have devoured the burger. Sriracha hot sauce is a great condiment option. Pairing with a heavier ale like Scotty Karate or Trois Pistoles would be a good choice because the burger finishes off lightly.

The Sigh burger is so good that maybe Dr. Mikannibal would forego her usual diet of worms, bugs, and bull penises for this treat.

This is the first time I have reviewed a Kuma’s Corner burger named for a band that I have never heard of before. The band in question is Bloodhorse. After some research, I found out that they are a band split between Brooklyn and Boston that sounds like a cross between Clutch and Motörhead, with a slight zip of Disfear. From the tracks I’ve heard on their MySpace, they exude a stoner vibe more suited for Gettysburg, PA than Williamsburg, NY.

Paranoiac

The Bloodhorse burger had a distinct mélange of Italian flavors. The herb and butter pretzel roll was a robust study in garlic and bread dynamics. This was the best pretzel roll I’ve had at Kuma’s, and the fact that it was not mass-produced worked to its advantage. The spicy marinara sauce was made in-house. It was a fresh, sweet, and tangy river of flavor carefully spread between the 10 oz. beef patty and the Italian sausage. The mozzarella cheese was so fresh, it tasted like it came from a farm of happy cows. The grilled red onions were slightly undercooked. It’s not too often that I get to have fresh basil, which generously topped the burger off in a smooth fashion.

Despite the heavy heaping of toppings, the burger was very easy to finish. It could satisfy the need for pizza or a burger when faced with choosing between heartburn-inducing treats.

How about that new High on Fire song?

You can hear it here. (See artwork for the new album, out February 23, here. Up until the release date, pre-orders are available at Relapse for $9 here.) Debate is already raging over whether Greg Fidelman, who did the most recent albums by Metallica and Slayer, was the right choice for producer.

I think it’s hot. It’s great to hear Matt Pike palm-muting. I’ve always wished that he would strum less and machine-gun more. The machine gun is a staple of metal. (Cue Ride the Lightning tabs with open strings marching across the pages with “P.M.” above them.) Take that, black metal strummers!

High on Fire hot sauce is less hot. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. It’s sweet yet tangy; the ingredients include habanero peppers (natch), Saint Arnold Lawnmower beer, vinegar, brown sugar, and lime juice. I’ve been slathering it on eggs and veggie burgers. But the fact that I can slather it on food means that it’s not that hot. “Hot” to me is “one drop = pain,” like Mega Death Sauce, which I wrote about here. High on Fire sauce brings no pain, only pleasure.

You can order it below from Houston’s Big Daddy’s Hot Sauces (who made it), and from Austin’s Tears of Joy. I’ve had a good experience ordering from Tears of Joy; hopefully I can visit it someday. Thanks to Liz from Earsplit PR for hepping me to this fine shop.

We’re teaming up with Bazillion Points to give away one copy of Annick Giroux’ Hellbent for Cooking: The Heavy Metal Cookbook. You want this. You want this because either you like food or you like metal, and preferably you like both. I just got my copy, so I haven’t had a chance to try any recipes. (For a review by someone who test drove some, see here.) The 101 recipes, covering everything from appetizers to entrées to desserts to drinks, are by members of heavier-than-thou bands, the list of which is staggering. You can see the list, as well as page closeups and ordering info here.

I must point out that this is probably the most physically beautiful book I’ve ever seen (and that’s counting the paperback edition last decade of Elie Wiesel’s Night that had a matte white finish so sensual, it was practically lingerie). Giroux is a graphic designer by trade; she puts her skills to great use in her now-legendary Morbid Tales ‘zine. (Parents, don’t raise your children to be writers; raise them to be graphic designers so that they will be employable.) Nagawika, who did a sketch of Fenriz for one of our podcasts, liberally sprinkles the book with cute, sardonic illustrations. Finally, publisher Ian Christe ponied up for sturdy, high-quality paper. I’m almost afraid to bring this thing into the kitchen, it’s so nice.

For a chance to win, simply email invisibleoranges at gmail dot com by midnight EST, Sunday 12/27, with the subject header “Appetizer for Destruction” and your full name and address. I will choose a winner randomly. International entrants are welcome.