Metal dance remixes
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The music at my gym is mostly horrible Hi-NRG dance fare. I have made multiple complaints, to little avail. As a result, I have probably been subjected to more dance versions of pop songs than any other human alive, including “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” Skee-Lo’s “I Wish,” Extreme’s “More Than Words,” and Celine Dion’s song from The Titanic. Screw waterboarding and Deicide – as torture, this stuff would be infinitely more effective.
Poison (Alice Cooper)Poison (Groove Coverage)
Nothing, however, could have prepared me for the most surreal remix of all (by a German group called Groove Coverage (a name which doesn’t even make sense – it sounds like a football defensive scheme)). The moment is firmly etched in my mind. I was on the stair machine. Second one from the left. Doing the stairs. Doing the stairs. Over the speakers I hear, “Your cruel…device…your blood…like ice…” NOOOOOOOOOOOO. No effing way. Alice Cooper got a dance remix??? I nearly fell off the stair machine.
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Even worse is the dance version of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” by Gyr-8 Productions (yet another terrible name). Whenever I hear those arpeggiated synths at 0:19, a small part of me dies. Incredibly, this remix gets even worse. First come some “Macarena” synths. Then it goes into two different Italo house piano themes, dragging Randy Rhoads’ riff along like a vestigial appendage. It’s truly repulsive – which is why I can’t stop listening to it. Goddamn, does it make me laugh. I can’t see anyone ever dancing to it or even listening to it seriously. Maybe it’s showed up in an aerobics class or two.
Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne)Crazy Train (Gyr-8 Productions)
