Fan criticism of new Cryptopsy album, 2008

by Cosmo Lee

The above title is an actual Google search leading to this site. I thought I’d take it and run with it. The most entertaining aspect of the new Cryptopsy record, The Unspoken King, is not how bad it is, but the reactions to it. At metal-archives.com, the mean score is currently 11%, which makes it the metal equivalent of, say, Gigli. (In comparison, Celtic Frost’s Cold Lake and Metallica’s St. Anger stand at 47% and 50%, respectively.) This may be the most hated metal record ever. On their MySpace, Cryptopsy have posted a rather juvenile riposte to their naysayers called “It’s Dinner Time.” When a band is reduced to Internet pissing matches with its fans, it’s done.

Bemoan the Martyr
The Plagued

Below are some of the choicest bits from reviewers at metal-archives.com. This is sort of an anti-press release, where I’ve collected the most badly written hyperbole about a record – only this time, it’s unfavorable. Whenever you think life is bad, go back to these quotes and remember that things could be worse.

Fan criticism of new Cryptopsy album, 2008

“As far as the individual works go, picking a worst song can prove to be a bit difficult, as there is a healthy variety of terrible ideas guising as songs.”

– hells_unicorn

“The album’s production might be its only real saving grace; the instruments all come across very clearly. However, this is a double-edged sword as you can now hear note-for-note why this album is cancerous.”

– ian_w

“Now, I still have to give credit when it’s warranted, the first three songs are merely wet farts in comparison to the rest of the fully fledged turds on the remainder of the album.”

– lord_ghengis

“If I was to actually compare Cryptopsy’s discography to that of an aging wife I’d say that she aged gracefully; she started off being wild and carefree but had moved on and eventually settled in upon raising children. But lately she’s just not up to standard what with father time taking his expensive toll. The botched facelift (Once Was Not) is embarrassing but in an unusually endearing sense; she meant well but fucked up, badly. Now with her latest return from the plastic surgeon (on your money no less!) she’s basically turned into the tentacle monsters you see in so many poorly animated hentai: raping schoolgirls and shooting lasers from one of her many upon many phallic tentacles.”

– zeingard

“About the only consistent aspect of the album is the production, but given the music itself, I doubt any metal fan in their right mind will buy The Unspoken King because it was well mastered.”

– ShadowsFallen

“This whole album is a drag to listen to; a grueling chore that I would only wish on my very worst enemies, and most of the time it’s more boring than offensive, blending into the background like the harmless yelps of a tiny chihuahua nipping at your heels while you’re trying to put the bacon on the stove in the morning.”

– Empyreal

“[O]verall it just reeks, reeks! of fail.”

– caspian

“Cryptopsy have devolved into little more than invertebrate seasponges. Seasponges with great production values, but soft and spineless nonetheless.”

– Ramseus

“[Y]ou might as well stick your hand in a container of used syringes while being beaten by a bunch of maces, that’s way [more] enjoyable than this horseshit.”

– bl00df1r3d34th

“He sounds like the guy from Incubus, and it feels so cheesy and lame that I even get physically ill by some of the melodies he sings.”

– SRX

“Like a cattle prod sodomy…”

– BastardHead

“It is also worth noting that this album has the worst ending that an album has ever had. It is impossible to describe in words, you’ll have to listen to truly understand how bad it is.”

– duncang

“It is devoid of any creativity, any emotion, and any shred of decency that they once held as a band.”

– Cjk10000

“In fact, the double bass drum sounds like a snare. I haven’t heard a drum sound that bad since Malevolent Creation’s Doomsday X, which almost makes me sad.”

– serial_killer_miller

“Cryptopsy had turned into a scenecore bullshit pile of shit covered in shit syrup with shit for dessert.”

– TrooperOfThrash