metalVSlifeTHUMB

Balancing Metal With Normal Life

Kurt Cobain once quipped, “I’d rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I am not.” But would you, really? In any discussion of fandom, the question often arises of if—or how—the fan balances their particular obsession with a reasonably normal existence. Metal is no different. Sure, you have your band dudes who put their future at stake by devoting their lives to touring or to furthering their bands, and you also have your nerds (the fabled Internet Metal Nerd in this case) who spend most of their spare money on rare vinyl or t-shirts at the risk of any degree of social life. And, as always, there are the metal crusties, who occupy a category all their own.[1] Yet, as with the rest of fandom, band dudes, IMNs, and crusties are, frankly, few and far between. Most metalheads I know require some degree of socialization with society at large beyond the confines of the internet or the local metal scene.

I am no exception: I live in Asheville, North Carolina, where the scene, while vigorous, is small. I need to interact with others outside of metal in order to attain a thriving, healthy social life. But even here, metal as a culture and as music is not particularly popular. Few people outside of the scene find it enjoyable or really even understand it: to them it’s largely, as a co-worker of mine once put it, “screaming demon music.” How, then, do we try to balance living a normal existence with our love of something that is, at its core, opposed to normalcy?

My approach is to be at once clear in my tastes but not in someone’s face. You can tell what I’m into, but I’m going to have some style about it. To this end, I tend to follow a combination of secrecy, acceptance, and compromise. Secrecy is necessary because, let’s face it, metal is not associated with professionalism. There remains the stigma of this genre being stupid, violent music for stupid, violent men. When I’m looking for jobs, I don’t really feel like having my future employers looking through my Facebook posts to find me repping Putrid Pile or Temnozor. Likewise, I don’t want them knowing about the metal band I play in for similar reasons. In today’s job climate, presenting myself as professional is often at odds with playing in a band called MRSA.

Dating and relationships are another factor. Women in metal, while a force to be reckoned with, are unfortunately still a minority given that metal retains its unadulterated masculine stigma. Thus, if you’re a dude into metal who doesn’t want to be single for a long time, you gotta be willing to date girls who aren’t into metal, and nothing will give a woman who is not into metal pause faster than seeing that you’ve just rocked “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Cunt” on Spotify. It doesn’t help that the more misogynistic varieties of metal are often the ones that most non-metal folks are aware of, given their notoriety. I cannot speak to the queer experience in metal, but I imagine, given the stereotype of metal as super-macho, that it’s largely the same.[2]

However, in this world, secrecy can only go so far, and when you love metal like I do there’s only so much you can hide before you start to feel fake. I’ve tried being fully normal, but it pains me to leave metal culture behind when I have devoted so many years of my life and such a major part of my passion to it. Thus, you accept a degree of separation from the mainstream. I play in a band and will not hide my name just because I do. I won’t advertise it, but if asked I won’t deny it. I may not post Putrid Pile tracks, but I’ll like his page. Some things you just gotta admit.

Ultimately, I personally find the greatest balance to be in compromise. The way I see it, if you love metal like I do but still want to fit in, you gotta be stylish. That means mixing conventional tastes with metal tastes. I don’t have posters up all over my room: I have framed prints of Baphomets and skeletal seductresses. I don’t wear cargo pants; I wear form-fitting black denim to show off that I may be into dark shit, but I still have sex appeal. And the bands I rep in public are often of what I consider the more “digestible” variety. I love Cephalotripsy to death, but I don’t have any clothing of theirs, whereas I will always find time to wear my Cobalt shirt. Cobalt may be every bit as lyrically profane as Cephalotripsy, but their aesthetic use of Ernest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson is more approachable than gore-iffic slam metal. If I’m going to be playing any metal at all when I am in a “public” setting, it will be something that is not as confrontational, like Celestiial or Deafheaven. It’s honesty without braggadocio. To yourself be true, but be aware that you’re not a true minority and that it is possible to let your freak flag fly at half-staff.

What about you? Do you ever feel like being “normal?” If so, how do you counter-balance being normal with loving metal? Has it been hard? Is it more important to be “trve” or to be socially accepted?

—Rhys Williams

1. I know most crusties are punks, hence “crust punk,” but nowadays they’re a prominent fixture in metal as well, particularly in American black metal.

2. Someone PLEASE enlighten me on this.