While I was listening to the new Steelwing album, a thought suddenly occurred to me: Steelwing sounds like a brand of cheap beer. I can see myself walking into the local LiquorMart, buying a 40oz. Steelwing, and waking up the next day on a park bench covered in vomit and whores. That got me thinking and laughing about heavy metal band names and re-imagining them as brands rather than bands.
If a company steals one of my ideas, you tell me so that I can sue their asses into the dirt.
. . .
Mithras – Mithras sounds exactly like a name for a car. I can see General Motors’ subsidiary Opel selling the 2018 Opel Mithras, a mid-size family sedan. In true GM fashion, the Mithras would be pimped out to other countries with different badges and names. America would get the Buick Dorsal Atlantica and Brazil would get the Chevy Angra.
(Yes, I know Mithras is a deity. Firebirds weren’t real until GM started making them out of Camaros.)
Kataklysm – Trouble is already a children’s game, but that won’t stop us from making a children’s game called Kataklysm! A cataclysm is a flood sent by the god(s) to punish mankind. The Noah’s Ark and Gilgamesh flood myths are good examples. Kataklysm! would be an educational children’s game designed to help kids learn about flood myths and real-life flood disasters, all while cheerfully simulating the death of millions of people with dice and cards.
Slogan: “It’s a flood of fun for the whole family!”
Jack Starr’s Burning Starr – A line of retro-’80s style porn. Defining characteristic: more bushes than a hedgerow. Each new release would only be available as 1000 handjob numbered copies on VHS. Planned titles: Fill ‘em All, Bust in Peace, Under a Funeral Poon. Oh, you wanted some freaky stuff? Stained Ass, Illud Divinum Anus, Fisting the World, Solid Wall of Cock. And of course Point of Entry.
Mercyful Fate – Plan B competitor. I’m going to hell for that.
Iron Maiden – If Iron Maiden were sold in 19th century Britain, it would be a chastity belt. We live in the 21st century with Twitter and MySpace, so we need a modern product. Iron Maiden is a women’s perfume marketed to young professionals. They’re sassy, they’re assertive, they’re independent, and they don’t mind chasing after guys.
Sarcófago – This is Iron Maiden’s Brazilian male equivalent. It would be marketed to sophisticated young male professionals who refer to women as “pussy” and “skirt” but don’t want to admit to being well-dressed misogynists. The print ads would feature smooth- faced and lantern-jawed late 20s/early 30s men looking mysterious and thoughtful, sport coats flung stylishly over their shoulders. Every time you open up the Atlantic, Slate, or similar magazines’ websites, a Sarcófago ad will block your entire screen. Sarcófago and Iron Maiden’s customer bases give each other herpes a lot.
Saxon – My first thought here was condoms, but then I realized that was just my brain subconsciously associating condoms with Trojan. I went back to my mom’s basement and kept thinking. Saxon will be a line of men’s clothing designed to compete with Armani and Lacoste.
Emmure – “Emmure is a new male contraceptive pill. Emmure’s chemical actions disable the flagellating action of sperm, preventing pregnancy and allowing you to experience a fulfilling sex life without the threat of pregnancy. In clinical trials, Emmure was shown to disable the motile action of over 98% of participants’ sperm, preventing fertilization of the ovum. Emmure is not protection against sexually transmitted diseases. You should still wear a condom while using Emmure. Emmure should not be handled or ingested by women, especially those who are nursing or pregnant. Some women experience vaginal irritation during and after intercourse with partners that use Emmure. Please see your doctor to determine if you are a candidate for Emmure. Emmure: the freedom to live life to its fullest.
Warning – Emmure may cause headaches, deafness, heightened tension or anxiety, rage, odorous penile discharge, constipation, vomiting, diarrhea, bloody stool, and anal leakage. If you experience any of these side effects, stop taking Emmure and see your doctor immediately.”
Uncanny – This name has Gen Y lifestyle magazine written all over it. Uncanny would undoubtedly feature ads for some of the other products on this list like Iron Maiden and Saxon. It would offer vaguely liberal political columns (intelligent!), oral sex tips (titillating!), and hawk trendy alcoholic beverages like Hypnotiq (classy!).The music reviews section would be 75% indie rock and would undoubtedly poke fun at heavy metal (dumb!), prog rock (booooring!), and hardcore (too angry!).
Nox – Nyx is a Greek goddess of the night. The Romans stole her and renamed her Nox, and now we’ll turn her into an L.A. nightclub. Pay attention to the tabloids and you’ll eventually see photos of starlets’ lady bits as they exit limos in front of the Nox. Eventually an actor or actress will overdose in the bathroom, and the club will be 95% less fun afterwards.
Neuraxis/Xentrix – Neuraxis sounds like an NSA black program. Xentrix Technology Services would contract with the NSA to assist them in running Neuraxis. Xentrix’s webpage will have a contact point, some bland graphics, and a creepy motto like “Synergizing future technologies to create global security solutions to protect you . . . from you. All of the time.”
Hellion – Personal mobility devices. When your grandmother hits 94 and just has to get into the Golden Corral, buy her a Hellion. It’ll even fit in her Dorsal Atlantica’s trunk!
King Diamond – If Steelwing ain’t fast enough, try some King D! It’s cheapass ghetto liquor designed to fuck your shit up posthaste. Guaranteed to induce rage, police beatings, and STDs like pregnancy. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a bottle from a batch without grain alcohol.
Slogan: “You won’t remember anything once you sip the King!”
Cradle of Filth – Diapers? Yeah, definitely diapers.
Sorry, that one was kinda shitty. The source wasn’t very inspiring.
Vektor – Lawnmowers, specifically riding lawnmowers.
Introducing the new Vektor 5800:
+ V8 power
+ makes more pollution than a jetliner
+ diamond-tipped, depleted uranium mower blades
+ 360 degree turn ‘n’ spin
+ Beer cooling glove compartment
+ integrated rifle holster and cartridge box
+ 5800 is more than 5700
+ show your neighbor who has the bigger penis
“If you own a Deere, then you mow like a queer! Mow it like a man with a Vektor!”
Lamb of God – Trader Joe’s/Wegmen’s competitor founded and owned by Dave Mustaine. Where else ya gonna buy organic, sugar free, cruelty free, stone ground, free range, 42-grain bread and fishes? It’s what Jesus would want.
Malison Rogue – A specific type of novel: bustier busters, aka girly porn.
“Malison,” he breathed, “I want to ravish you.” Her bosoms heaved, and she reached down to his codpiece. “I would that you returned the favor,” she crooned, “but you could caress naught but my Iron Maiden.”
Alright, you’ve got the idea by now. Look, I’m going out for a night on the town. I’m wearing my best Saxon and enough Sarcófago to knock a girl unconscious. I was never able to figure out what kind of products Emperor, Darkthrone, and Manilla Road would be. Tell me that in the comments, and then make up your own!