For all of the metal bands that hail from the wilds of Scandinavia and take themselves a little too seriously, there are just as many that have silly names, dress up in crazy costumes and create songs with ridiculous titles. (That said, look me in the eye and tell me “Skull Full of Bong Hits” is not an awesome song title. Go ahead. I dare you.) Today we’re bringing you the goods from two such acts, Ghoul and Cannabis Corpse.
Taking hints from GWAR, Cannibal Corpse and Municipal Waste, Ghoul and Cannabis Corpse are the kinds of bands that will shotgun a beer, hit a bong and spew blood in your face without a second thought, all the while growling and headbanging away.
Courtesy of Tankcrimes Records, the second day of Kvltmas will bring CD copies of Ghoul’s Transmission Zero and Cannabis Corpse’s Beneath Grow Lights Thou Shalt Rise, along with posters of the bands and a Tankcrimes sticker pack.
To enter to win, tell us in the comments below your favorite overblown, crazy metal song title. (No, you can’t re-use “Skull Full of Bong Hits”. Because I say so, that’s why!) The contest will close at midnight on December 27th. And as always, you must have a mailing address in the Continental US or Canada to enter.
. . .
BUY TRANSMISSION ZERO
. . .
BUY BENEATH GROW LIGHTS THOU SHALT RISE
Beneath Grow Lights Thou Shalt Rise (CD/Vinyl)
“Entrails Rippwd from a Virgin’s Cunt” has yet to be topped.
Papyrus Containing the Spell to Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks from He Who Is in the Water.
And that was the single!
That’s my favorite.
I almost went with Hittite Dung Incantation, but it’s not hilarious enough until you add in the lyrics:
“I mix the dung of a dog, foul canine excrement..with BARLEY FLOOOOOUR!”
I snuck a retard into a sperm bank -Anal Cunt. RIP PUTNAM
I’m still partial to Apator Masturbates In Praise Of The Black Satan
“It’s Always Sunni in Saudi Arabia” by Judas Proust
Women, Leather and Hell by Venom!!!!
In the ESL subcategory, I’m going to go with Immortal’s “Tragedies Blows at Horizon.” Even if I could parse the syntax there, I’m not sure I could tell you what that means. Abbath sings it with real conviction though, and that’s what matters.
But yeah, Nile for the win, I’d think.
“Doctor Doom, A Man of Science Doesn’t Believe in Jesus, Why The Fuck Do You?” – Curl Up and Die.
“Fucking Your Ghost in Chains of Ice” – Leviathan
The winner must be Nasum’s ‘The Political Structure Is Not What It Seems In The So Called Lucid View That Man Has Upon Today’s Society. What The Eye Sees Is A Lie.’ It almost takes as long to say the song title as listening to the song itself – 11 seconds!
Whoa, that is a doozy, and it breaks the unwritten rule that songs titles should not exceed one sentence in length.
I wanna be a sex symbol on my own terms – botch
Aaaaaarghhh – Venom
Wormrot always has some good ones, but Butt Krieg Is Showing has to be my favorite.
‘Man-Dude vs. Dude-Brah (Where’s the Party At?)’
-CUNT
Impiety – Cuntblasphemy: Paganistic Bitchgoddess Dei-impalation
But I not from America, so screw it. Again.
Necro-Cannibalistic Tendencies in Young Children – Agoraphobic Nosebleed (or just about anything by ANb
“They Say the People Elect the Government they Deserve, but I Don’t Remember Knife-Raping any Retarded Nuns” by The Great Redneck Hope
“I Became a Counselor So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked for It.” by Anal Cunt.
Seth came up with some fucked up shit…
The Planet that Once Used to Absorb Flesh in Order to Achieve Divinity and Immortality (Suffocated to the Flesh that it Desired…) by Demilich
Lymphatic Phlegm – Grotesque Congenital Deformity in the Terminal Extremity of the Excretory System Causing Anatomical Irreversibility of the Macerated Tissue
“Uroporfirinogenodescarboxilasandome y Pustulandome con tu Anorgasmia Hexaclorobencenosisticarial Sexo Traumante” by Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis
That one has to be made up!
I will go with a less is more approach: Druggernaut Jug Fuck by Agoraphobic Nosebleed. That said, and being totally honest, Papyrus was the first song to pop into my head.
“A Massacre of Mormons” – Reign of Vengeance
“Attending the Graduation of Someone I Fucked 10 Years Ago” – XXX Maniak
“Kentucky Fried Woman”?
“Horsing around in the Penn State showers” by my band THE SPECIES
“The severed genitals of every rapist hang bleeding from these trees” – Thou
absolutely nothing can compete with total fucking destruction’s “seth putnam is wrong about a lot of things, but seth putnam is right about you.”
unless maybe it’s wormrot’s “you suffer…but why is that my problem?”
“You Will Be Reincarnated as an Imperial Attack Spaceturtle” from Nano-Nucleonic Cyborg Summoning by Behold…the Arctopus.
Less is more, people:
“I Am the Dolphin Sprayhole Fucker” — Rompeprop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHf_PYiliKE
Alternatively, there’s the ‘Prop’s “As She Licks My Only Ball”
Summoning The Unholy Frozen Winterdemons To the Grimmest And Most Frostbitten Inverted Forest Of Abazagorath
I vote for the Meads of Asphodel’s “Behold the Kindred Battle Carcasses Strewn Across the Bloodied Dunes of Gilgamesh Mute in the Frenzied Clamour of Death’s Rolling Tongue and Ravenous Bursting Steel”
Also worthy of mention by The Meads of Asphodel: “On Graven Images I Glide Beyond the Monstrous Gates of Pandemonium to Face the Baptized Warriors of Yahweh in the Skull Littered Plain of Esdraelon.” Certainly no dearth of epicness here.
Keelhaul – “Carl Vs. The 10,000 lb. Shadow ”
So rad.
Spazz – Redenbacher’s Orgy of Pain Fear and Pestilence
I’m gonna show some love for Bal-Sagoth here: The Dark Liege of Chaos Is Unleashed at the Ensorcelled Shrine of A’Zura Kai (The Splendour of a Thousand Swords Gleaming Beneath the Blazon of the Hyperborean Empire: Part II)
That’s from their third album, Battle Magic.
I like that this is “part 2″ lol
‘Screwdriver In The Urethra Of Thomas Lenz’ – Man is the Bastard
Sharktic Hoarfrost by Anal Birth. Inspired by Celtic Frost, and sharks
Hail Hornet!- Beast of Bourbon. Outstanding song title and relevant to the band.
No Lawnmover Deth yet? Their debut is chock full of crackers!
Spook Perv Happenings In The Snooker Hall
Can I Cultivate Your Groinal Garden?
Got No Legs? Don’t Come Crawling To Me
But my favourite has to be Sumo Rabbit & His Inescapable Trap Of Doom!
http://youtu.be/yPS5GG9Y-TE
Owen Hart’s titles are gold. “My Grandma Is Fucking A Tranny From Alaska” and “My Manhood Is Not Measured In Inches.”
I’m outside Continental USA, but if I wasn’t, I’d say
“Fetid Menstrual Puree” by Morbid Savouring.
Although, any of their song names would do.
Doctor Doom, A Man Of Science, Doesn’t Believe In Jesus, Why The Fuck Do You by Curl Up and Die.
XXX Maniak and Anal Cunt some crazy ones, but the one that always made me laugh was “Limp Bizkit think they’re black, but they’re just gay.”
Priest With the Sexually Transmitted Diseases Get Out of My Bed – The Locust
If You Don’t Like the Village People, You’re Fucking Gay – Anal cunt
Damn, Jeremy got mine with that outstanding Thou track.. powerful stuff right there.
I guess my second choice would have to be “Undeciphering The Inquantificability” by Wormed from Spain. The outrageously nerdy track name matches up well with the spacy, sci-fi themed mind-fuck of a track. Simply pronouncing it is no easy task for me, let alone wrapping my brain around its subject matter.
Thumbs up to the “Druggernaut Jug Fuck”, “Fucking Your Ghost In Chains of Ice”, and “Women, Leather and Hell” track names as well–all three are simply named but pack some serious imagery.
Bonus: Suffocation – Epitaph of The Credulous & Reincremation. Brutal.
Ready To Fucky by Sarcofago. It’s quite funny how Wagner is now a professor in a university in Brazil after penning those Nobel Peace Prize worthy lyrics. Every bestial black metal kid worth is bullet belts and black hoodies should know this classic by heart.
Stand up to see
my penetrator hammer
he will make your dreams
turn to reality
I will lick you
of the feets ’till the head
making you feel torrential orgasms
Oh lady start to suck me
because I’m ready
I’m ready to fucky
Stand up to feel
my machine of delight
he will make your reality
turn to a dream
Gotta go with some Norwegian hilarity on this one:”Zaredoo Knives Endows Thy Sight” by Furze. Someone please explain to me, what in the hell does that mean??
Regurgitate – Carnivorous Errection. That song title mixed with the album cover give me one of the worst mental images of all time :/
I’m going with “You Quoted Anal Cunt Song Titles (You’re Gay)”.
He Shot Her Down And Ate Her Flesh, And Then He Said “Excuse Me For Living, But I Preferred To Be Eaten Rather Than To Eat”
Catasexual Urge Motivation
…for the win.
I would have to go with any song from Bal Sagoth’s discography for the sheer metalness they envisage; From blood drenched battlefields, to psychotic Demonic overlords. There is something over the top and truly metal for everyone, from “In The Raven-Haunted Forests Of Darkenhold, Where Shadows Reign And The Hues Of Sunlight Never Dance” to “Unfettering The Hoary Sentinels Of Karnak” all song titles evoke a magical, mystical denim and leather drenched journey into the realms of fantasy and metal, where distortion and Keyboards are hand in hand under a rainbow drenched horizon.
Chapter of Obeisance Before Giving Breath to the Inert One in the Presence of the Crescent Shaped Horns by Nile
regardless of the other absolutely ludicrous song titles out there, Nile needed a little love.
My real answer is “Swords and Leather” by Absu because it summarises what metal is all about in three words. It’s the Hemingway of titles.
Acid Witch – “Witches Tits” [sic]
Sweet Relief in The Mausoleum by XXX Maniak.
It’s about taking a dump in a tomb. Come. On.
Barnburner’s “Keg Stand and Deliver”
I’d go with Weakling – No One Can Be Called As a Man While He’ll Die. Besides the inexplicably bad English, I think that it conveys a great sentiment of metal… although I’m not sure if it means that as long as you are going to die, you can’t be a man or what…
Incestual Rimjob – Gutrot
Straight to the point. True heavy metal. Tongue in cheek. Incredibly cheesy. All of the above effectively describe the Manowar discography. However, for simplicity’s sake I will choose “Kings of Metal,” the second track from the aptly(?) titled album. The entire CD is heavy in sound and certainly qualifies as a competent heavy metal record musically, but the lyrics are sometimes so ridiculous that the only acceptable reaction is uncontrollable, hyena-like laughter. A group of somewhat sober males who dress in leather outfits that make sure to highlight their upper body is humorous enough in appearance, but once Eric Adams starts bellowing at the top of his lungs about what is true metal and how Manowar are the only genuine purveyors of metal is enough to take the cake. I guess leather outfits that highlight your super soaker sized upper body constitutes as true metal apparel, not “cracker jack clothes.” A few seconds into “Kings of Metal” and I am immediately laughing at these leather-clad buffoons. Who has the gall to sing “Now we don’t attract wimps, cause we’re too loud/Just true metal people that’s Manowar’s crowd!” I am not so sure about Manowar not attracting wimps, either. When I saw them in concert in May 2002 with Immortal I can recall a few concert goers in attendance who were hardly a physical presence. Manowar must think that they only play to direct descendants of Genghis Khan’s invading army or a nation of power lifters. If Manowar’s epic lyrics are to be taken at face value, then only true metal people live in Europe, considering that Manowar are able to headline festivals throughout the old Countries and play to clubs in the U.S. that are at half capacity at best. I never understood part of the chorus refrain, either. Specifically, the part where Eric Adams sings “other bands play Manowar kill.” I don’t know if Eric Adams, Joey DeMaio and Ross the Boss were confused with present day English syntax or they were implying that the only worthy bands in Manowar’s eyes are the ones who play a similar style to Manowar or cover Manowar’s songs. The only band who immediately comes to mind who plays in a style simiar to Manowar is Hammerfall, an equally asinine and comedic power metal outfit. If you have never had the pleasure of reading a Manowar interview I highly recommend it. A day in the life of a Man-O-Warrior includes waking up, cracking a beer, finding a woman to copulate with, work on your horse of steel, ride your horse of steel and play “true heavy metal.” Living the dream indeed. You repeatedly hear Manowar threatening to kick your ass if you do not play or listen to true heavy metal. Fair enough. What about bands or people who play hardcore or thrash infused hardcore circa 1988? Are Manowar implying that they would threaten to kick the asses of acts like Agnostic Front, D.R.I., Judge, Cryptic Slaughter, the Rollins Band or other bands that might not be true, unfiltered heavy metal? I would love to see such a spectacle.
So there you have it. I could have selected a truly brutal title along the lines of “I Cum Blood” but where is the fun in that? If you enjoy listening to Manowar like I do, you better accept the fact that people will heartedly laugh at you. Hail and Kill, weaklings!
“Giving Head to the Dead” – Death Breath
Celtic Frost – A Dying God Coming into Human Flesh
There’s so many to choose from, so I can hardly say this is my definitive favorite, but it certainly ranks high. The full lyrics, and the dynamic of how they’re performed, truly breathes life (pun) into it. Yet even just taken at face value it’s a great song title. It conjures all sorts of wild imaginings one would expect in a Lovecraft story.
If God Loves A Winner He’s Going To Want To Fuck Me In A Minute (Born To Break Even) – Drowningman
Picking Up A Random Goregrind CD And Acting Out The Cover With The Girl Next Door – XXX Maniak
Cadaverous Screams Of My Deceased Lover – Necrophagia
Who won
Psychofagist – Free Non Jazz Powerviolence Sonata