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| by Cosmo Lee |
Let’s get some metal reality TV shows going. Not Osbournes or Battle for Ozzfest nonsense, but real extreme stuff. To start things off:
Fear Factor-y
Contestants must listen to Fear Factory’s Digimortal album. Vomiting or being too scared to attempt this will result in elimination.
Rock Star: Anthrax
15 contestants compete to become the next singer of Anthrax. There is no band more appropriate for this show.
Man vs. Milwaukee Metalfest
Bear Grylls is left stranded at Milwaukee Metalfest. He must find Jack Koshick to get paid in order to find a way back to civilization.
Man vs. Shitty Deathcore
Adam Richman attempts to digest the entire discographies of Emmure, The Acacia Strain, Rose Funeral, and Whitechapel. Who will win, Richman or breakdowns?
Blabbermouth Commenters vs. Literacy
So You Think You Can Mosh
You can base your reality show off an existing format or create a new one. The best one by midnight EST this Friday the 15th will win a copy of the Pure F*cking Mayhem DVD…which reminds me of another possible show: Man vs. Black Metal Documentaries.
Related posts:
Dinousaur metal Darkthrone namedrop challenge: 70's hard rock bands compete to posthumously record gibberish album most likely to be referenced in a whole song on next Darkthrone record.
Dimmu Borgir album title puzzle quagmire: One-legged man attempts to descramble Dimmu Borgir's three random word record titles
Iron Maiden Chef: Aspiring cooks compete to recreate classic Iron maiden album covers the medium of food, which is then served up to the passengers on Bruce Dickinson's plane.
HAHA! great post.
Man v Maryland Deathfest would have to include how long the contestants are able to endure 50 terrible bands just to see the 3-4 good bands.
Iron Maiden Chef would have to pit opponents against Nicko or other members of Maiden in a kitchen cook-off.
Testing Orthodox Black Metal: taking all these nice Swedish and Norwegian people and putting them inside a Greek Orthodox church for the duration of the whole litany. Test at the end.
Electric Wizard live @ The Electric Company.
If you've watched any episodes of The Electric Company, the psychedelic video effects would suit them.
Could you imagine Jus Oborne, Liz Buckingham & company teaching kids how to read and with Lovecraftian and Hammer film themed skits?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5u8MY7PjSXU
BTW fast forward to Morgan Freeman's character Easy Reader jivin' poetic "IS THAT HEAVY?!" to describe Electric Wizard.
To Tell the THRUMMMM: Contestants are placed in old-school glass isolation booths and tasked with distinguishing a given SUNN O))) live album from its dozens of pricey, marbled-vinyl counterparts. The winner gets the complete collection to listen to at his or her leisure. Awesome. Hosted by hyperbolic and endlessly enthusiastic Aquarius Records review-writers.
"Survivor: Symphonic Metal"
For 39 days, 16 castaways will be marooned in a concrete bunker. They will be forced to band together and carve out a new existence, using their collective wits to make surviving, without any of their own record collections, a little easier. Day by day the location and continuous symphonic metal soundtrack will test the endurance of the castaways.
The Biggest Loser
Follow Axl Rose, Chris Cornell, the members of Attack! Attack!, and several other pieces of garbage as they live their daily lives. Each member starts off with a predetermined number of points, and can only lose points when they do something stupid. The person who loses the most points by the end of the season is crowned the Biggest Loser. An interesting twist is that the longer and longer you stay in the competition, the crappier and crappier the rewards become. For instance. If the first person eliminated is, for the same of argument, Sebastian Bach, he would win a bathtub full of toasters. As the episodes progress, the prizes get worse, such as a bag of rusty nails, a night with a male prostitute who has several forms of hepatitis, several rabid dogs and a hamburger sweater, etc…
NBC's ratings would still suck ass.
Oderus Urungus' Cock of Love!
hey now, there is one good acacia strain album. Its called the dead walk and it's truly is good, but the rest of their discography blows baby turd muffins.
Lab Ratts
Take the biggest assholes and ego-freaks in metal and shut them in a house together. They would be under the impression that their goal is to create an album. What they aren?t aware of is the show is merely an experiment to see how many days they can last without breaking out in a fistfight.
The producers would intentionally put the musicians in increasingly annoying situations. For example: Have two guitarists in the house, but no bassist, forcing one of the guitarists to play bass. Then if progress on the album is being made smoother than it should be, the producers should bring in a keyboardist with control freak tendencies to increase the tension even more.
Metal of Love with the guy from XXX Maniak. The ladies would really line up for that one.
Little people, Black world: Follow the black metal band with Dwarfism "Gimli's Ax" on their quest to find a record deal.
Oslo Ink: Self-mutilation tats are so much cooler than ink tats.
Project Runway: Black metal: With a limited budget, and only 30 minutes in a hardware store, watch as black metal musicans attempt to design the most kvlt, brutal stage dress.
Extreme Takeover: Home edition: Local bands storm homes, throwing shows, trashing basements, drinking all the beer, and leaving the place "Redesigned."
With all the shit-talking and animosity amongst certain bands
(and styles) over the years, an American Gladiator style show would make people put up, or shut up.
Bizzare d00dz with Andrew Zimmern. Andrew travels the world going to metal shows in seedy places, pre-gaming, hanging out and hitting the show with the local headbangers Episode one finds Andrew in Finland, burning down a church, smoking cloves and donning corpse paint with some black metallers. Episode 2 finds Andrew hanging in some d00dz basement in New Jersey posting about the best and worst indie prog instrumental mathcore deathcore band and making ghey jokes on Lambgoat for 12 hours.
16 And Kvlt: Teenagers face the challenges of telling their parents that they wear corpsepaint and pose in the woods.
Evan Seinfeld's Rock of Love
The Amazing Race to the Toilet with Daryl Palumbo
The Attack Attack! crabwalking comedy hour
Pimp My Ride: Candiria Edition
Wifeswap, also starring Evan Seinfeld
Survivor: Manowar (Only he or she who is most METAL can win.)
The Real Housewives of Gothenburg
To Catch a Predator: Tripp Eisen
The Bachelor starring Rob Halford
That's all I got for now.
A combination of "Survivor" and one of those reality shows where the contestants all share on house. Yeah, one house on the middle of an island. In that house we'll have members of Black metal bands and members of Christian metal bands. NO Food. You wanna eat ya have to sneak up on a housemate and "thonk!" Whatever team has the most members left at the end of the preset period of time, wins! METAL Survivor:For Real
1) Boot camp featuring Greg Puciato shouting at you that you're a pussy without any drive in life.
2) So You Think You Can Crabcore?
3) The Biggest Loser, Juggalo edition. Whoever weighs the most at the end wins.
4) The Japanese Torture Comedy Hour.
We have some incredibly sadistic readers. Love it!
Great Norwegian walks:
fenriz takes you on a trek across the norwegian hills accompanied by the dulcet tones of obscure chilean thrash music played on tiny damp portable speakers.
The great hipster run off:
1000 hipsters and poseurs are forced to run the gauntlet against the robot from the effigy of the forgotten cover, soundtrack probably blasphemy and von.
Fenriz has already done walk in the forest material for Norwegian TV so you're too late with this one, CW.
Zimmers Hole:
Devin Townsend fucks Courtney Love to death. Everyone wins.
A Predators portrait:
Soilwork paint paedophiles, Gary Glitter judges.
Crab Wars: The stupid guitarist from Attack Attack! and Rob Trujillo have a competition to see who can crap down to the floor, pick up a hotdog in between their butt-cheeks, crab over to the other side of the studio and place it in a bun the quickest.
HAHAHA @ Mike Lang….these are so damn funny gotta have a winner here:
Little people, Black world: Follow the black metal band with Dwarfism "Gimli's Ax" on their quest to find a record deal.
Project Runway: Black metal: With a limited budget, and only 30 minutes in a hardware store, watch as black metal musicans attempt to design the most kvlt, brutal stage dress.
A&E; post metal intervention: where bearded post metal nerds seek help with their addiction to effect pedals.
Are You Smarter than A Confused Teenager (Who Thinks He's br00tal)
Take a random person off the street (who doesn't listen to metal) and pair him head-to-head with a Suicide Silence fan. See who can answer moree questions aout Metallica correct.
The Slayer Suck
Which Slayer fanboy can suck every Slayer member's dick in a predetermined period of time AND make them cum OR Which fanboy can do it fastest?
Brutal Torture
A reality show which shows random civilians (preferably those who only listen to top 40 radio) being locked in a small cell while being blasted deathcore, deathgrind, and brutal death metal. Whoever lasts the longest inside the cell without screaming the magic word (civilians are given a magic word which, if screamed, opens the cell door) wins. Forcing sleep or holding your ears closed results in immediate disqualification. Crying is encouraged.
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That's all for now..
Pimp My Ride: Drummer Edition
Eleven 70s/early 80s metal drummers compete to compose and perform the drumsolo to end all drumsolos. The winner gets $100,000 from Zildjian to custom-remake their entire drum kit.