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Keeping speaker repairmen busy |
People forget that “literally” literally means that. Few are guiltier of this than metalheads. Metal-archives.com, with its unwashed masses of reviewers, is rife with such abuse. Confusion is common between “liberally” and “literally.” A single adverb turns hyperbole into (literally) mind-blowing reality. Here are some of the best examples.
“The drumming on this is fucking stellar with double bass that LITERALLY BEATS MY TEMPLES INTO PULP.”
“A really cool light intro sets you up for a monster riff that literally grabs you by the balls…”
“The song literally explodes into your face before slowing down a bit…”
“Literally, you could watch all the porn in the world five times and you’d never surmount as much cum as the guitars that Musical Idiot 1 and Musical Idiot 2 spew all over us.”
“Your speakers literally explode when the first ‘real’ song begins. And it is appropriately called ‘Detonation.’”
“Once i got the plastic wrap off the cd, i ploped [sic] it into my cd player, shut off my lights, put on my head phones and was literally blown away by the brutal warlike chant of Krisiun.”
“That famous double bass break in ‘Angel of Death’ will literally melt your face off…”
“So after hearing the first song ‘Into the Black’ my chin was literally hanging down to my feet.”
“It’s literally like getting fucked (although I wouldn’t know) in the ass brutally whilst getting punched in the face super hard by a drill instructor who’s yelling at the top of his lungs at you the entire time.”
“From there I did everything I could to get as many of their releases as possible, and so when I heard that they would be releasing a new album I literally had to get a 3.7 kW submersible dewatering pump to drain the drool that had accumulated.”
I don’t think it’s a matter of there being any confusion between “liberally” and “literally;” I think they’re all just retarded.
Literally.
I’m pretty sure they’re confusing ‘figuratively’ with ‘literally’. This irks me to no end. Especially in conversation. Having a quasi- militant attitude about grammar usage and being an English graduate has set me up with a short temper for these abuses.
The Meshuggah reviewer doth protest too much.
Misuse of the word “literally” doesn’t bother me as much as misuse of the word “penultimate”, which I’ve also seen in metal reviews.
I have a warm place in my heart for awkward metal review hyperbole. I’m especially fond of the derisive, clumsy pun (Pantera? More like Panterrible!).
Meshuggah guy has more comedy gold:
Chaosphere is not bad, by any means, in the sense that (at least in my opinion) funnyuns aren’t bad. However, there’s no musical value to Chaosphere, like there is no nutritional value to funnyuns.
If you haven’t heard comedian David Cross riff on this problem…you need to. Perfect take.
Grab ‘Shut Up You Fucking Baby’…track is ‘Fake Tits and Beer’.
What drives me nuts is when people use literally when they really mean figuratively. David Cross has a hilarious bit about this:
?Dude, it was so funny I literally shit my pants!?
?Well, what did you do??
?What do you mean, dude? I was laughing??
?I mean, what did you do with your shitty pants??
?No, dude, I didn?t REALLY shit my pants, I LITERALLY shit my pants!?
I must admit to liberally using the word “literally” in reviews.
“It’s literally like getting fucked (although I wouldn’t know) in the ass brutally whilst getting punched in the face super hard by a drill instructor who’s yelling at the top of his lungs at you the entire time.”
I love the quick “I wouldn’t know” remark after comparing something to being fucked in the ass. He had to quickly end any thoughts you may have had that he has ever been fucked in the ass. He probably struggled with that for awhile too, he wanted to use that comparison but was really torn over the possibility that he’d be labeled a homosexual by his metal buddies.
If you say it’s literally like being fucked in the ass by Rob Halford is it metal enough to not be gay?
It may be a generational thing. Literally. Shit, have I been guilty that at one point? Maybe. I also find that more of my generation can’t end their sentences properly. Words that tend to trail after what would be a complete sentence include “you know what I mean” and “so…” Sometimes I catch myself guilty of the latter, but at that point I follow it with a closing statement.
hahaha this is great – looks like i’ve been beaten to the punch with the David Cross bit i was going to post, though..
no really, what’d you do with your shitty pants?
There’s no nutritional value in Funnyuns?
Oh, my god!! Saying literally when you really mean figuratively is my biggest pet peeve. As in “I’m, like literally illiterate, LOL!!!1″ Anyway, thank you for the awesome article.
Hilarious! Some of those reviews are literally true, though.
I once submitted a review that was turned down by the elite Metal-archives crew because it was “too detailed” and they didn’t want a track-by-track synopsis. When I look at some of the garbage that slides under their radar, I have to wonder who’s calling the shots over there.