Al Bundy of Married with Children once had an idea for a combination shoe store and burger joint. It would be called “Shoe Horn O’ Plenty,” and the burgers would be shaped like shoe horns. Bundy thought this up in 1991; its brilliance remains with me to this day. Thus, I propose my dream destination: combination metal record store and…various other things. 10, to be exact. Want to get in on the ground floor?
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Send your mother a birthday bouquet while tracking down that rare LP of Goatsnake’s Flower of Disease. Runner-up name: Babysbreth.
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Get fitted for that special day and choose outfits for your groomsmen and bridesmaids. White is trite; check out our deluxe “Blue Grape” and “All Blacks” lines. Runner-up name: The Chemical Wedding.
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For all your print, copy, and graphics needs. Two-toned black metal album covers in less than 30 minutes, guaranteed. We can turn complex logos like Opeth’s and Annihilator’s into full-alphabet fonts. Runner-up name: Technocracy.
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In waffle there is no law! Sweet licking and arpeggios abound. Signature flavors: Manilla Rocky Road, Carpathian Forest Crunch, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dio, Cherry John Garcia.
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Time it takes to wash: Reign in Blood. Time it takes to dry: Handful of Rain. “Stay clean” with our special detergents: October Tide, Arm & Metal Hammer, Blue Cheer, Regain, Bold, Judge.
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We put the “lumber” in lumbering riffs. Guaranteed nails in stock for your black metal wristbands, or your kroner back. Runner-up name: Bloodbath and Beyond (thanks to Jaclyn and Brandon for the idea).
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Alternate picking in the front; alternator service in the rear. We fix flats while you tune to B flat. You’ll be heading out to the highway in no time. Runner-up name: Under My Wheels.
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Let the bodies hit the floor! We specialize in Bay Area thrash rugs and tribal metal rugs. Runner-up name: Funk-o-Metal Carpet Ride.
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Men aren’t the only longhairs in this metal venue. We stock thongs from Carpathian Forest, Dark Funeral, Dimmu Borgir, Hammerfall, Hypocrisy, Immortal, Kataklysm, Malevolent Creation, Morbid Angel, and Suffocation. Runner-up name: Victoria Rattlehead’s Secret.
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In an ideal world, this is where Jeffrey Lebowski and Walter Sobchak roll – just not on Black Shabbos. This is bowling. There are rules.
Someone get me a meeting with Brendon Small!
Seems someone has been visiting dafont
Hilarious!
Magus from Lake of Dracula used to run a store in Chicago called “Weekend Records and Soap,” one of the most self-explanitory names ever.
that’s it….we need to open balls to wall… heavy metal bowling alley at night. i’m there
Bowling alley one is the best. Maybe find a seedy old bowling alley that was built a few decades ago and tack a record store onto it. Start a bowling league, throw tacky stars and planets on the outside of the building, get your rug pissed on…
As a woman, I’m going to go ahead and say I disapprove of band-themed underwear, much less thongs. I don’t think I’d ever buy intimate band merch (something about that is incredibly weird) and thongs are horrid.
Umlatte – heavy metal coffee shop.
A friend and I did the paperwork to start this bad boy. It’s still a dream.
anon – dafont is dashit!
onerode – My position on band thongs is still undecided. That’s partially because I’ve never been faced with one in real life. It would probably make me bust out laughing and/or kill the mood. Perhaps it would depend on the band on the thong.
neckdeep – “Umlatte” is awesome. You should name the drinks after Motorhead songs.
You forgot Surf Nicaragua-the Metal surfing/skating specialty store. You’ll see Rat Skates behind the counter selling Municipal Waste boogie boards. Because Pac Sun is for posers.
“System of a Gown” looks like the Hollywood sign.
roxy – see cover of Toxicity.