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The above title is an actual Google search leading to this site. I thought I’d take it and run with it. The most entertaining aspect of the new Cryptopsy record, The Unspoken King, is not how bad it is, but the reactions to it. At metal-archives.com, the mean score is currently 11%, which makes it the metal equivalent of, say, Gigli. (In comparison, Celtic Frost’s Cold Lake and Metallica’s St. Anger stand at 47% and 50%, respectively.) This may be the most hated metal record ever. On their MySpace, Cryptopsy have posted a rather juvenile riposte to their naysayers called “It’s Dinner Time.” When a band is reduced to Internet pissing matches with its fans, it’s done.
Below are some of the choicest bits from reviewers at metal-archives.com. This is sort of an anti-press release, where I’ve collected the most badly written hyperbole about a record – only this time, it’s unfavorable. Whenever you think life is bad, go back to these quotes and remember that things could be worse.
“As far as the individual works go, picking a worst song can prove to be a bit difficult, as there is a healthy variety of terrible ideas guising as songs.”
“The album’s production might be its only real saving grace; the instruments all come across very clearly. However, this is a double-edged sword as you can now hear note-for-note why this album is cancerous.”
“Now, I still have to give credit when it’s warranted, the first three songs are merely wet farts in comparison to the rest of the fully fledged turds on the remainder of the album.”
“If I was to actually compare Cryptopsy’s discography to that of an aging wife I’d say that she aged gracefully; she started off being wild and carefree but had moved on and eventually settled in upon raising children. But lately she’s just not up to standard what with father time taking his expensive toll. The botched facelift (Once Was Not) is embarrassing but in an unusually endearing sense; she meant well but fucked up, badly. Now with her latest return from the plastic surgeon (on your money no less!) she’s basically turned into the tentacle monsters you see in so many poorly animated hentai: raping schoolgirls and shooting lasers from one of her many upon many phallic tentacles.”
“About the only consistent aspect of the album is the production, but given the music itself, I doubt any metal fan in their right mind will buy The Unspoken King because it was well mastered.”
“This whole album is a drag to listen to; a grueling chore that I would only wish on my very worst enemies, and most of the time it’s more boring than offensive, blending into the background like the harmless yelps of a tiny chihuahua nipping at your heels while you’re trying to put the bacon on the stove in the morning.”
“[O]verall it just reeks, reeks! of fail.”
“Cryptopsy have devolved into little more than invertebrate seasponges. Seasponges with great production values, but soft and spineless nonetheless.”
“[Y]ou might as well stick your hand in a container of used syringes while being beaten by a bunch of maces, that’s way [more] enjoyable than this horseshit.”
“He sounds like the guy from Incubus, and it feels so cheesy and lame that I even get physically ill by some of the melodies he sings.”
“Like a cattle prod sodomy…”
“It is also worth noting that this album has the worst ending that an album has ever had. It is impossible to describe in words, you’ll have to listen to truly understand how bad it is.”
“It is devoid of any creativity, any emotion, and any shred of decency that they once held as a band.”
“In fact, the double bass drum sounds like a snare. I haven’t heard a drum sound that bad since Malevolent Creation’s Doomsday X, which almost makes me sad.”
“Cryptopsy had turned into a scenecore bullshit pile of shit covered in shit syrup with shit for dessert.”
The bile is understandable. Cryptopsy were once the favorite band for those that wanted their tastes in technical DM to appear completely inapproachable and esoteric. And then this betrayal! How can they now posit that ‘None So Vile’ is a work of unfathomable genius with a straight face!
I’m holding out for the Portal reconfiguration as a stoner rock band, personally!
http://www.myspace.com/craptopsynonesoscene
Ha!
This backlash makes me wince from a distance.
I’ll say it again: absolute garbage.
It’s easy to posit that None So Vile was a work of unfathomable genius. St. Anger doesn’t invalidate Kill ‘Em All. The band has likewise changed, to the point where only 2 members remain from the None So Vile lineup.
It seems the scores are more about punishing the band for selling out, rather than objectively criticizing the album. I’m not saying it’s a great or even a good album (in fact, I don’t like it at all) – but it’s not really any worse than the lastest Protest the Hero or Opeth. Those two bands have loads of fans on the Archives. That being said, Cryptopsy should probably change their name to something more digestible, so they don’t scare away the mallcore kids who will in all likelihood eat this poo for lunch.
“It’s easy to posit that None So Vile was a work of unfathomable genius. St. Anger doesn’t invalidate Kill ‘Em All. The band has likewise changed, to the point where only 2 members remain from the None So Vile lineup.”
I agree, yet it’s not so easy for most people to do this. Usually the current standing of a band reflects back on their catalogue. What use is – to a lot of people – None So Vile in terms of death metal cred when the current incarnation of the band stands for its absolute inversion? I personally love the early Metallica material and never was ashamed to say so but a lot of people have gone towards an ‘always sucked’ direction.
Interestingly, I read that the only new song Cryptopsy is playing these days is “It’s Dinner Time”.
I spun the album again not too long ago, and for a second I thought, ‘Wait, this might be boring, but not as catastrophic as I thought,’ but then the singing started and I just wanted to weep. Kevin Stewart-Panko notes in his Decibel piece that the singing only makes up six and a half minutes fo a 46 minute album, but I have to reiterate that the singing is so inept, it absolutely ruins the entire experience.
St. Anger and Cold Lake are better albums than this one, no question.
I’m actually in the middle of writing a lengthy re-evaluation of St. Anger. I can’t imagine myself ever doing that for this album. That’s at least partly because Cryptopsy never inspired passion in me: Their best stuff is really good, but it’s also kinda distant and cold, not really inviting. They always wanted to be appreciated from a distance, I think.
Anon, I don’t think even mallcore kids would dig this record. There’s far better mallcore out there.
Adrien, I agree, the few minutes of singing fatally infect the record. I wanted to give the band the benefit of the doubt, but, man, those vocals are cringe-inducing.
pdf, many people are rabidly, passionately into old Cryptopsy. Multiple Cryptopsy shows have borne this out for me. There’s something really strange and obsessive about the music, so that if people get inside it, they go absolutely nuts. Outwardly it’s not an inviting sound, but I think it hits the same nerves as, say, old Dillinger Escape Plan or Cave In, both of which make people go bonkers.
And to think that I thought that Cryptopsy’s vocals were bad before–this is horrendous.
Also, Flo Mounier’s hair.
I’ve never been a real Cryptopsy fan, and never really understood what the big deal was unless you’re a drummer, ’cause Flo’s a great drummer and all. I only own the two DiSalvo albums, and barely ever listened to them even back in the day. I still think one or two tracks off “Whisper Supremacy” are the best they ever did.